Team Apocalypto - Zombie Taxonomy

We're Ready! Are You?


			Zombie Taxonomy by C. Weiblen Know your Enemy!
	Annual Writing Contest Cheesy Art Gallery Zombie Fiction Join the Team Buy Stuff LINKS Forum		Taxonomic Terms Zombie - (devourdeath) essumletum – E. An animated human corpse, which craves and devours human flesh, especially brains. They seem to feel no pain, and can be killed only by severe damage to the brain. Slow Zombies - (Zombie.slow) e.bardus – B. Zombies which pursue their prey at a slow plod, seemingly due to physical deterioration after death. Fast Zombies - (Zombie.quick) e.velox – V. Zombies which move quickly, and are often difficult to kill, more difficult than a living opponent. They seem to feel no pain, and can only be killed by severe damage to the brain. With Intelligence - (thought) sententia – S. Zombies that possess intelligence. They have been observed to wield weapons, to speak, and to lay traps for unwary Zombie hunters. There have even been controversial relationships between living persons and Zombies as pets and/or significant others. Bio-engineered - (sciencedisease) scientiamorbus – Sc. Zombies which have resulted from viral infection. Radiation/Space Origin - (star) astrum – A. Zombies which have resulted from cosmic events such as radiation or planetary alignment. Demon Origin - (spirit) phasmatis – P. Zombies which are animated by demons or other supernatural means. Flesh Eaters - (devourbody) edocorporis – C. Zombies that will eat any human flesh, indiscriminately. Brain Eaters - (devourmind) edimentis – M. Zombies that are only interested in eating brains. Living Zombies - Referred to as "pseudozombies" these creatures are merely diseased Homo sapiens sapiens, who crave and eat human flesh, but since it is impossible to safely approach a creature exhibiting Zombie-like behavior and listen for a heartbeat, the distinction is of limited use. When describing a zombie, the form should follow this pattern: Speed.Intelligence.Origin.Target So, for example, a zombie from the original Night of the Living Dead movie by Romero in 1968 would be categorized using essumletum.bardus.x.astrum.edocorporis, or E.B.x.A.C. Whereas a zombie from the most recent Romero movie, Land of the Dead, would be categorized as essumletum.velox.sententia.astrum.edocorporis, or E.V.S.A.C. And zombies from the Robert Rodriquez film, Grindhouse - Planet Terror, would be essumletum.velox.sententia.scientiamorbus.edocorporis, or E.V.S.Sc.E.

	According to the Team Apocalypto manifesto, a true Zombie is an animated human corpse, which craves and devours human flesh, especially brains. Living humans, which have been infected with a virus or other disease, that causes them to eat human flesh or brains, are referred to throughout the manifesto as "pseudozombies." Although they are not true Zombies, because they engage in Zombie-like behaviors, these creatures are still considered part of the overall Zombie threat, and are lumped in with other Zombies for all intents and purposes. Taxonomy is a precise and exacting science. We make no claim as to the scientific veracity of the taxonomy of Zombies as designated by the Team Apocalypto manifesto. We merely offer this system as a useful framework for identifying and differentiating between known Zombie types (see flowchart, attached). Quickly and clearly identifying the difference between a mere essumletum.bardus astrum and the ever more deadly essumletum.velox scientiamorbus sententia could result in a higher survival rate during an engagement. In other words, if you can clearly identify the type (and therefore danger level) of the Zombie threat, and can communicate the danger clearly and concisely to others, in language that you have all agreed upon, you will improve everyone's chances for survival.

	Sample scenario: You are investigating the site of a possible Zombie attack. You notice that there are telltale bite marks on the head and face of a victim, and that portions of the brain are missing. You radio headquarters and report. "Essumletum confirmed. Probable edimentis." You draw your firearm (if you haven't already) and proceed with extreme caution, radio engaged. A creature comes into view and moves toward you slowly. You engage the patented Team Apocalypto Zombie Detector Unit, and come away with a positive reading. You speak aloud for the radio "Confirm ZDU reads essumletum. May be a bardus. It's slow. It looks like a bardus." Everyone on the other end of the radio begins to relax. Just as they begin high-fiving each other, the thing gets a bead on you and leaps in your direction. You calmly aim for its forehead and say "Negative, negative! That's a negative. We have a velox. Confirmed velox. I'm taking it down." You pull the trigger and retreat rapidly toward a fortified fallback position, where you can await reinforcements in relative safety. As you retreat, another creature comes into view from the same area as the first. You aim carefully, but hold your fire and continue retreating. You say "Target sighted." Then, "Two sighted. Three. Four. Multiple targets approaching." You begin firing, stopping to hold your ground with good footing, knowing you are unable to outrun them. You continue counting for the folks back home. "Seven. Nine. Nine targets in view." Then, as you kill them off, the number drops. "Eight targets. Seven. Six. Five. Five targets closing in." Stay calm, and go for definite head shots. "Four. Three. Two. Shit, they're on me!" Blam. Blam. HQ hears the shots and a struggle, then a final BLAM! and silence. They're busy scrambling a rescue squad when you trigger your radio, dislodged during the struggle. "HQ, I'm comin' home. Get out the hose, I've got Zombie goop all over me. Targets cleared. Nothing moving. Recommend an armored sweep of the area." HQ responds "Roger that, armor is on the way." Even if one of the creatures were to reach you and kill you before you could kill it, everyone back at headquarters would know exactly what they'd be facing if they approached the area. On the way to the safe-zone, you pause to scrawl velox with an arrow in bright orange spraypaint on landmarks in the area, thereby warning even nonmembers (anyone not a member of Team Apocalypto) of the threat-level and direction of your sighting. Zombies are like roaches: If you see one, there are bound to be more of them nearby. Always remember: clearing an area does not mean that it will stay that way.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License .